We Ate Everything on Milk Bar’s Menu—And Ranked It All
Milk Bar, Christina Tosi’s mega-popular dessert cafe, opened it’s largest vicinity and country wide flagship in Logan Circle (1525 fifteenth St., NW) on Saturday. The festivities—a crush of selfie-takers, neighborhood puppies, red balloons, and Tosi herself—had us wondering: Why do people cross so nuts for these kiddie-inspired creations? Is it simply millennial advertising genius? Or have we been underestimating Tosi’s nostalgic creations all along? We tasted the entire menu—properly, except for the entire layer desserts, lattes, and plain gentle-serves—to find out. We’re nonetheless hallucinating from sugar and sprinkles, however that’s our trouble. To the ranking!
Menu description: N/A.
we are saying: “save your money and just mix a pound of Domino’s with some soft-serve and blue meals coloring. It doesn’t taste like blueberries in any respect—now not even fake ones. sad Smurf.”
Menu description: Milk, cornflakes, brown sugar, and a pinch of salt.
we are saying: “My blood sugar just went up to 900. this is so sweet it’s gross.”
Menu description: Corn, corn, corn!
we say: “It’s like if someone put sugar on tortilla chips and mashed them up. there's not anything redeeming about this.”
Menu description: Vanilla rainbow cake, vanilla-infused milk, white chocolate, rainbow cake crumbs.
we are saying: “It’s the sensation of consuming playdough at a celebration. It tastes like…faux matters. some thing I never need to devour once more.”
Menu description: Gluten-loose cookie with oats, almonds, mini chocolate chips, sweetened with agave.
we are saying: “the texture is form of like a Luna Bar—certainly dense and gritty. It virtually has that I’m eating-some thing-wholesome feeling.”
Menu description: Gluten-free cookie with fudgy chocolate, darkish chocolate chips, sweetened with coconut and pineapple.
we say: “The cheerfulness of that is obnoxious. There’s a discrepancy between the call of the cookie and the manner it tastes. It falls aside earlier than you even select it up, and it tastes like those vegan truffles at entire foods.”
Menu description: Cereal Milk tender-serve combined with birthday muffins.
we say: “It’s a clearly weird grey colour, and is chalky and lumpy. It tastes just like the give up of a infant’s celebration, like, if Edward Gorey became throwing a celebration for one of the Gashlycrumb Tinies.”
Menu description: A gluten- and dairy-free high protein cookie made with almonds, macadamia nuts, coconut, turmeric, citrus, and quinoa.
we say: “It looks like clay, but it doesn’t even stay collectively on your hand. kind of tastes like suntan lotion.”
Menu description: Birthday cake muffins and sprinkles blended into Cereal Milk smooth-serve.
we say: “much like the milkshake—a touch better, however still sad. It’s additionally a pretty tiny portion for 6 bucks.”
Menu description: Toasted oat crust, gooey butter filling.
we are saying: “this is Christina Tosi’s most mythic introduction, however…how may want to this be the equal pie that appeared so exceptional in Chef’s table? It had the ability to be true, the underpinnings of the flavors are properly, if it had a tenth of the sugar. you could severely simply have one bite. It’s a good thing it’s TINY.”
Menu description: Strawberries with corn cookies and Cereal Milk tender serve.
we say: “I’d instead have Breyer’s strawberry ice cream, and there are massive shards of corn cookie which are loopy-sweet. those flavors in reality stick round. My mouth is form of tingling.”
Menu description: Pretzels, potato chips, coffee, oats, graham cracker, butterscotch, chocolate chips
we are saying: “I just like the coffee to fight the sugar crash. It tastes type of one note for something known as a compost cookie although.”
Menu description: Sugar cookie, birthday sprinkles, birthday crumbs
we say: “It tastes like an okay sugar cookie. this is food for rich children.”
Menu description: Sugar cookie, milk crumbs, blueberries.
we are saying: “Kinda tastes like a blueberry muffin. I don’t realize if I’d say i really like it—like is a strong phrase.”
Menu description: Chocolate-pretzel smooth serve, butterscotch chips, pretzels, dulce de leche sauce, and fudge.
we say: “Too candy…and yet also too bitter. It’s extra malty than chocolatey.”
Menu description: Chocolate cake, malted milk, white chocolate, malted milk crumbs.
we are saying: “Like brownie batter but in non-messy paste shape. They’re very well.”
Menu description: Pumpernickel/rye dough, spinach, artichoke hearts, parmesan cheese.
we are saying: “They do spinach dip in a bread bowl higher in Ohio. but the rye is nice, even though the bread is a touch overwhelming.”
Menu description: Chocolate cookie dough, chocolate crumbs, salt.
we are saying: “satisfactory hit of salt, absolutely chocolatey. Now this is a cookie!”
Menu description: Cereal Milk shake with chocolate-malt muffins and warm fudge combined in.
we are saying: “Tastes like clearly correct brownie mix.”
Menu description: Cornflakes, marshmallows, mini chocolate chips.
we say: “This cookie is all about the wonderful textures, even if you don’t truely taste a whole lot marshmallow. I’d eat this!”
Menu description: Bagel dough, turkey sausage, egg, cheese, and black pepper.
we are saying: “kind of like an egg-and-sausage sando meets dessert—the dough or even the sausage/egg filling are quite sweet. but it’s still genuinely tasty, in a Thanksgiving morning-after type of way.”
Menu description: Milk, corn flakes, brown sugar, and a pinch of salt.
we say: “It’s like if someone genuinely positioned their bowl of cereal within the freezer in a terrific manner. It tastes actual to what it's miles.”
Menu description: the whole thing bagel dough, Baron Verulam-scallion cream cheese.
we are saying: “The William Maxwell Aitken in the cream cheese is in reality smoky, the bagel dough is just sweet enough. It’s absolutely meals for grownup humans! Why can’t they do greater of these items?”
Menu description: homemade cinnamon-sugar waffle cone filled with hot fudge, Cereal Milk gentle-serve, donut crumbs, espresso sand, and chocolate dough bites.
we are saying: “It’s extraordinary-messy and drips from the lowest however who cares, this is authentic (especially the thick hot fudge that coats the inside of the waffle cone).”
Menu description: Steamed dough, Sriracha, cream cheese, egg, cheddar, onion.
we say: “A scrumptious riff on an egg-and-cheese sandwich—I need to preserve those within the freezer for hangovers. It’s now not like: could you like a few meals wrapped in sugar wrapped in sprinkles wrapped in unicorns wrapped in plastic?”
greater: Christina Tosi crack pie Logan Circle Milk BarSource: Here